Is your relationship suffering from the Putt Putt Syndrome (Pt.2)

This is Part 2 of the transcript of Joanie Winberg, host of the Single Again! Now What? Talk Radio Show, interviewing

Celebrity Life Coach and Human Behavior & Relationship Expert, Patrick Wanis Ph.D. about The Putt Putt Syndrome and relationships and marriages. (Part 1 is here: https://patrickwanis.com/blog/is-your-relationship-suffering-from-the-putt-putt-syndrome/ )

PATRICK WANIS: And he didn’t want them to scream anymore.  He wanted to see the love.  So mothers and fathers, or people right now listening that are single who want to get back in a relationship, even if you’re going to be in a relationship with a new partner, be aware that love is a great example for your children. So is passion. So is enthusiasm. So is excitement. So is fire.  That’s what inspires us.  That’s what opens up our soul.  And I’m sort of leading on to some of the tips and the strategies.

I just want to summarize what I’ve said so far; that the whole reason that we stop is because we lose our sense of priority.  And our sense of priority has to be the relationship.  I’m not saying you neglect your children.  I’m not saying not to put them first when they really need you.  I’m not saying not to take them to school.  I’m saying find the balance where you make sure you don’t neglect your marriage and your partner, because the stronger your marriage and relationship is, the better environment you’re presenting and providing for your children.

JOANIE WINBERG: And also, Patrick, I was just going to say, as far as if people can also find in that balance, like you said before, kind of recapping too, is that it has to start by finding that time for yourself to recharge.  Find that time for the relationship.

I love it when I hear people say, “We’re going to have a date night on Friday.”  That is wonderful to hear.

PATRICK WANIS: Yes.

JOANIE WINBERG: And then have the time for the children.  And I think what you’re also saying, too, is that the children will learn the boundaries that, “Yes, mommy and daddy have their time, and yes, mom and daddy, they have their separate time.  Mom is going to exercise, dad is going to play golf but, yet, they have their time as the date night.  But then they have the family time.”

So it’s almost like if people can learn to balance those.  And what really happens, as you can see, the first two get ignored.  “We don’t take time for ourselves.  We don’t take time for the couple situations, and all of a sudden we go our own way.”  And there are the children, like you said, feeling sad and angry.

PATRICK WANIS: Exactly.  And if you’re an adult who missed out on certain things as a child, please, do not use your children to make up for what you didn’t get as a child because it won’t help you, and it will really damage the children, whether that means giving them too much freedom or giving them lots of toys, or giving them lots of candy or giving them too much attention, or telling them when they don’t deserve it, how wonderful and great they are.

JOANIE WINBERG: Uh-hmm.

PATRICK WANIS: Because that’s how we’ve come to this narcissistic generation where the parents are saying to the kids, when the kids have done nothing, and they haven’t worked yet, they haven’t achieved and haven’t even tried, “Oh, you’re amazing.  You’re fantastic.  You’re unbelievable.  You’re the best.”

And what they forget is children need not just encouragement, they need direction, and they need correction.  And if you just tell them all the time how great they are, but you don’t correct them and you don’t reward them for achievement, as well as effort, then the children end up growing up to become narcissists.

And then when they become narcissists, they’d come to me because they can’t have a relationship with anyone else.  And they come to me complaining that deep down they actually resent their parents because their parents never disciplined them or never gave them the right advice, guidance, and direction.  So that’s a really important point.

JOANIE WINBERG: Absolutely.  I know you wanted to share some tips, so first of all, let’s say, single again people, but maybe explain how each group can learn from this.  And what would be some tips, Patrick, that we can help them, our listeners?

PATRICK WANIS: Well, let’s do exactly what you said.  Start with the single, and build how that leads to marriage, and then how, once your married, to keep it going.

So if you’re listening right now, whether you’re single or married what I’m about to say is applicable, because I want everyone to go back to when they were single.  And everyone remembers what that was like at some stage, whether you’re single now or not.  You remember the days when you’re single because, again, this is something that a client said to me, “Oh, when I was single, I used to do this, and I used to do that.  And I used to be excited, and I used to have regular sex, and everything was exciting.”

So I want to start by just giving some examples of what men look for in a relationship and what women look for.  And I’m not talking about communication and trust and honesty.  I’m not talking about those values and qualities.  I’m talking about “What does a man need or what does a woman need?”

A man is really quite simple to please.  And no, it’s not just food and sex, although there’s an old joke: How do you seduce a woman? And there’s a long list of about 60 necessary things.  And then when you say, “How do you seduce a man?  “Well, show up naked and bring food.”  But it takes a lot more than that.

For men, it’s really interesting because the man wants to be treated like a king.  Now, that doesn’t mean he wants to be served all the time, but he wants to feel needed, okay?  The next thing is the man does want regular and exciting sex.  Then, third thing, which is probably the top one, really, is the man wants his woman to look good.  Not to be the most beautiful woman or the sexiest woman in the world, but to look good.  That means to take care of herself.  And in a moment, I’m going to tie this in, how this applies to being single and being in a relationship.  And then the fourth thing is the man wants his woman to not just be with her but to do things with her.  And I’m going to distinguish this from what a woman wants.

The woman, ultimately, wants to feel special.  So she wants to feel that state of ecstasy, that state of love.  She wants her man to be with her.  She wants to be treasured and cherished by her man to know, whether that means being told or being shown, that she’s the one, the only one.

The other thing that a woman wants, this will be number three, is “Be empathetic and listen to me, but don’t give me advice all the time, unless I ask for it.”

JOANIE WINBERG: That’s probably one of the things that I hear, Patrick, the most.  Women say they want to feel heard and not with a man sitting there with the remote in his hand.  They’re ready to throw the remote out the window but they just want to feel heard and respected for who they are.  And I think that…

PATRICK WANIS: Well, respect, you’re right.  Respect…

JOANIE WINBERG: Not to be fixed, right?  We don’t want to be fixed.  We just want to be heard.  And I just need to vent.  So, hear me and – but that’s perfect, Patrick.  You’re right on there.

PATRICK WANIS: And I’m going to add to this because what you said is so important.  I want ladies to understand why men do this stupid thing, which is the woman comes home – from wherever it is – whether it’s from work or a problem with mom or her mother or her father or a sibling or the children – and she proceeds to say, “Oh, I’ve had a terrible day and this has happened.”

The male says, “Oops.  Let me fix it for you.”

JOANIE WINBERG: Right.

PATRICK WANIS: Now, I want to tell you why we do this – because it’s our make up that we are so action-oriented.  We feel that our significance and our value come from doing things.  And so we think that we’ll show you our love by providing for you and giving to you.  We think that if we can offer you the solution, then we’re significant, we’re important, we’re valuable, we’re special – we feel the need to be needed.

Now, men listening, you can still have that same result by being active in your listening.

JOANIE WINBERG: Yes.

PATRICK WANIS: And what that means is, she’s talking to you, you are listening, 100% attention, and you’re repeating back some of the phrases.  You might express empathy, you might express sympathy.  It’s okay to be disappointed for her, but just listen to her, hold her, let her know that you’ve heard her and you understand her, because I promise you, she does have the solution.  She just wants you to listen.

Now, am I correct on this or not?

JOANIE WINBERG: You’re perfect.  And in fact, a great exercise is, just like you were saying, for both parties to actually – if they can set the time or if they want that each party talks for five minutes.  The other person just listens and, just like you said then you repeat it back so that that person knows that you were listening and that they feel heard and then even taking it a step further, Patrick, just to say, “Did I get that right?”

So, now, I repeated it back to you after you were listening to me and then I say, “Did I get that right?”  So now, you can go back and help that person listen even more or if they miss something or you can continue on with the conversation so – but you’re right.  That’s perfect.  If people can just really listen and repeat back, then we know, either party, man or woman, then they know that that person was listening and heard them.

PATRICK WANIS: That’s great advice.

And number four, in terms of what a woman wants is, “Respect my body.  Don’t touch me sexually 24 hours a day.”

JOANIE WINBERG: Uh-hmm.

PATRICK WANIS: Now, I’ve told you the four things a man wants, the four things a woman wants.

Now, how does this relate to the Putt Putt Syndrome and what we’re talking about?

When you understand what the other person needs, and you’re single and you’re looking to date again or you’re looking to be in a relationship, you keep that in mind.

Now, what the heck does, “Respect my body and not touch me sexually 24-hours a day” have to do with the Putt Putt Syndrome or marriage?  It’s really simple.  When you are dating, you court, you seduce, you anticipate, you plan, you prepare, and you think of ways of “How am I going to win her over?  How am I going to create something really exciting for her?  How am I going to seduce her?  How am I going to get her excited?”

And suddenly, you’re creative.  You’re coming up with ways.  There are flowers.  There are chocolates.  But more than that, you think about, “What does she really like?  Is she into horses?  Is she into dogs?  Is she into candles?  Is she into lighthouses?  Is she into nature?  What’s her favorite color?  What’s her favorite thing to do?”  And then you appeal to that, because that’s how you win the woman over.

The problem is that men once they marry the woman think, “I’ve won her over.  All I need to do now to show my love or to continue expressing my love is provide for her.”

The lady on the other hand thinks, “I’ve won him over.  Now, all I need to do to show my love for him is, either to raise the children or to be a good wife or to be loyal, et cetera.”

And the man and the woman forget about what’s required to keep the passion going, to keep the fire burning.  And to keep the fire burning you must stoke the fire.  How do you stoke the fire?  You throw more wood, more fuel into the fire, and you prod the wood to make sure it keeps getting enough oxygen to make the flames and fire even stronger.

Now, what that means is that ladies have to keep looking after themselves.  You have to take time away from the kids to do your walk, to do your exercise, to do your yoga, to do your meditation, to look after your body; to maintain your femininity and your sex appeal because your husband wants that and he needs that.  And he needs to do the same thing.

And because I teach holistically, when you look after your body, you feel better mentally and emotionally.  You exude more confidence.  And when you feel better about yourself, you respond and react better in the relationship and you have a better sex life.  So, that’s that aspect.

The other thing to understand is, that same way that you were trying to win them over when you were courting, keep winning them over in the marriage.  I know there’s bills to pay, I know there’s stress, I know there’s challenges, I know there’s responsibilities, but as you said a moment ago, Joanie, set up a date night.

Now, the concept of a date night is simple: plan time for you and your husband or you and your wife and no one else.  You plan someone to look after the children.  If you don’t, if you can’t afford it, get the mom or dad or mother-in-law or dad-in-law and get someone to look after them – or, grandpa or grandma – someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours.

Now, men, I’ll give you some advice.

If you’re going to do this, you don’t just show up at the last minute, dressed in raggedy clothes and you still have grease on your hand, or you’re still dressed in your suit from work or whatever you’re wearing.  You actually prepare for the date the way you would when you were single.

Now, if you really want to excite the woman, you use your imagination.  And guys can do this because guys are very smart when it comes to really planning.

JOANIE WINBERG: Yes.

PATRICK WANIS: They just have to make the decision to do it.

So, I was talking with the publicist of the Putt Putt Syndrome the other day, giving her an example of this, and I said, ” Imagine if a guy calls you up or he texts you because, you know, we’re in the day of technology, and he says to you, “Honey, five o’clock, Friday.  The kids are taken care of.  Five o’clock, Friday.  Meet at X hotel.  Put on this dress, these shoes, and have a swimsuit and have this and have that.  No questions asked.  Just meet me five o’clock.”

Now, I’m texting you this on Wednesday.  I’m going to see you tonight.  I’m going to see you tomorrow night.  And, of course, when I come back, you are going to say, “What was that text about?  What do you mean five o’clock, Friday at X hotel?”

“I don’t know.  I’m not going to tell you.  It’s a surprise.”

The ladies now are thinking.

And what I’m doing, is I’m creating anticipation. I’m creating expectation. I’m creating surprise.  That starts to release in the body endorphins known as Dopamine.  Dopamine gets you excited.  That’s the romance again.

JOANIE WINBERG: Well, I can tell you, Patrick, from a woman’s point of view, that’s exactly what the wives or the women are always saying, “I wish he would just do something without me having to tell him to do it.  I would love him to use his imagination, use his creativity and surprise me and just make me feel like we did when we were courting.”  I can’t tell you how many women want that.

PATRICK WANIS: And, you know, you’re exactly right.  An interesting thing is – and I’m going to explain this – men, women do want you to take charge and they do want you to take control.  Not to be controlling…

JOANIE WINBERG: Right.

PATRICK WANIS: …but to take control.  That means become the leader, the same way that you would lead in a business or the office.  They want you to lead.  They want you to have an opinion about the restaurant.  You can ask her, “Okay, which, which restaurant do you want to go to?”

“I don’t know, honey.  What do you want?  You need to quickly say…  “Okay, we’re going Chinese tonight.”  And if she really doesn’t want to, she’ll speak up for herself.  But let her know that you’ve got direction; you’re clear.  Prepare something romantic.  Come up with something creative.

I’m going to state this and I’ll make it a question.  I found from working with clients and from all the experience and the research I’ve done, that women do want to submit to men in a safe, gentle, romantic, sexual way.  And what I mean by that and please correct me if I’m wrong in any way.  What I mean by that is, woman want to know that the man is clear about what he wants; he’s got direction; he’s self-confident; he’s self-assured so that she can feel safe to trust and let go.  That’s what submission is, letting go.

JOANIE WINBERG: And that’s perfect.  That’s perfect.  Yes.

PATRICK WANIS: But she has to know that there’s a reason to let go and submit to him because he’s going to sweep her off her feet.  That’s what sweeping her off her feet means.  You know, “I feel safe in his arms.  I know that he loves me.  He’s going care for me.”  But it also means that he’s thinking about how to get the woman excited because, you know, guys are visually excited.  That means we just need to see you looking good.

Women, on the other hand, require a lot more because they’re deeper; they’re more complex; they have much more complex emotions.  You have to appeal to their heart, mind and imagination.  Then you’re going to use words.  You’re going to use visuals.  That means flowers, poetry.  Think again about how to get her excited.

Now, if everyone listening thinks this is hard work, part of it is hard work.  That’s true.  But the other thing is plan for it.  Plan for it one day a week, the same way that you plan to go to the dentist; you plan to go to the therapist because you’re about to have a divorce; or you plan to go somewhere else.  Plan now.

But understand that when I was doing more research with marriages that worked out, what I also found was they acknowledged that it was hard work and that the intention was to make it work.  And that it’s not just we’re in the comfort of this marriage so therefore we don’t have to do anything.

JOANIE WINBERG: Yes.

PATRICK WANIS: Allen and I were just having this conversation the other day.  Allen Cognata, being the writer and director of the movie; that it’s so easy to get caught up in the lives of the children and in the paying of the bills and the day-to-day responsibilities that it’s so easy to lose the passion.  So separate the two.

If you need to, set aside one hour, two hours and “okay for the next hour, we’re going to discuss all the crap that we have to get through—the kids, the bills, et cetera” and then switch off; hang up again.  If you need to and go back and say, “Okay, now I’m calling as me…we’re not discussing business or bills. Now, I just want to talk about you.”

So what I’m saying is it’s almost as if you’re blocking time.  And you have to do that.  And I know it’s not the way we’d like to do it but there’s a difference between being right and being happy.  And being happy might mean, “You know what?  I’ve got to block time.  Let’s block some time to sort out the challenges we have and then let’s block time for us to be romantic, to appreciate each other, so that we’re no longer just roommates, so that we can get to know each other.”

Now, I gave the men advice.  So let me give the ladies advice.  And again, feel free to kick my rear if I’m incorrect.

JOANIE WINBERG: I’m listening, Patrick.  Okay, I’m ready.

PATRICK WANIS: Okay.  And I’m waiting for you to tell me your thoughts.  I’d like you to do that.

But, anyway, let’s see.  Ladies, I said, for the men that they got to take charge, they got to control, they got to keep seducing, they got to keep courting.  Now, ladies, here’s what you need to do for men.  You need to keep the mystery going.  And I’ll let you elaborate, Joanie, on what that means.

JOANIE WINBERG: Uh-hmm.

PATRICK WANIS: You’ve got to keep the mystery going.  You’ve got to still play the fantasy roles.  And I don’t mean just dressing up in different boots, in different dresses, but men get bored easily.  You’ve got to keep him excited with mystery.  You can play a little bit.  You can be flirty with him.  You can occasionally do the little tug of the rope, back and forth, where you’re playing a little bit hard to get, where you tease him.  He’s going to hate that but he’s going to love it underneath.

JOANIE WINBERG: Absolutely.

PATRICK WANIS: Now, Joanie, you’re a woman.  So, please elaborate.

JOANIE WINBERG: Well, what I was just going to say, even, like you did, you mentioned that the man would text her a couple of days before to say, “Friday night we’re going do this and go here and wear this.”  Well, it also can work for the women to do that because she can tease a man to say, “I have this exciting night.”  And she can get into, you know, use all the descriptive words she wants.  She can text him or whatever she wants to do, but it’s also teasing and playing with him as well and having him anticipate what’s going to happen.  Maybe remember some of the things that he loved when you dated that really turned him on or excited him while you were dating knowing that the kids are gone and taken care of and I have this plan.

And, “Do you remember this when we used to…” and whatever she wants to do to really create that excitement.  And I think it must play for both men and women to know that that person cared enough to take their time out of the, especially, their busy schedule, their busy life to plan for that person.  “This is how much I love you.  I’m taking the time to plan and then create an exciting time for us.”

because I know even people that have date nights, it’s like “That becomes old…Okay, we’re going to the restaurant.  We’re going to have dinner.  We’re going to drive home.”   But you know, really, like you said, you’ve got to be creative.  And I think women need to just get back into teasing the men a little bit and having them have some fantasies of their own of what’s going to be involved.

And so, how’s that feel for men?  What do you think, Patrick?

Click here to keep reading Part 3 of the interview: https://www.patrick-wanis.com/relationship-suffering-putt-putt-syndrome-pt-3/